“My SportsBet Ticket Don Burn”
I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am
simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn’t choose to be born
one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He’s God, I guess), gave
me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck
or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten
defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in
Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story
There’s a reason why Lagos is called the Center of Excellence.
That’s because they’re about as excellent as it gets in everything.
Lagosians are excellent in enterprise, revenue generation and
investment, streetfights and Agberos, Owambe parties and 419’s, and most
impressive of all, they like gambling like die!
Lagos gambling has evolved from the small-time criminally inclined dice-throwing, and card-flipping. No, that’s for Ajegunle
criminals who throw the dice all day, fight all evening, and smoke weed
all night, before retiring with a bottle of Alomo and 5 minutes in some
crude gym.
Lagos gambling is way more advanced from such displays of petty hooliganism, into more organized forms such as Baba Ijebu and SportsBet. I, Joey Akan,
bored on a Sunday, and feeling brave, took to one of such gambling
centres to see firsthand what the big deal is, and maybe try my hand at
some good ol’ gambling.
Maybe I might hammer enough to make Forbes notice my tush ass.
And of course I went to SportsBet.
Baba Ijebu looks too local. An Ajebutter cannot be drawn to such ‘bush’
places. No way! What will my fans say? So I took to the place where I
know fellow Ajebutters will be.
Walking into the venue, I saw a
crowd that will make TB Joshua green with envy. These boys no dey go
church again. Even their girlfriends too accompanied them to the center,
to give their darling boyfriends emotional support and advice.
“Don’t
sweat it honey, choose Manchester Utd. I like Van Persie, and their
jersey looks as fine as my pink panties. They will win small Chelsea’.
Such priceless advice. Trust the bobo to say N.O!
At
the SportsBet office, I saw grown men cry because a team on their
betting ticket was dumb enough not to win a game, or were just rubbish
enough to get beaten well. I even saw one man had a heart attack, and
had to be rushed to the Hospital.
(Uncle Joey, You can sabi lie o!). Okay I made the heart-attack bit up.
After
all the drama from that office, only about 20 people were able to win
their money back. And they didn’t bother to buy a round of drinks for
tush Journalists like me. Stingy men.
I didn’t bother to bet my
money. No be my small salary wey Sportsbet go chop. And then, my father
told me not to gamble. He said, instead of gambling, I should pursue
women. And I’m meant to go after the superhot ones.
I went back
home a changed man. Maybe someday I might try gambling, but not in
Lagos. Christmas is here already, and this centre of excellence will not
make me excellently broke for Christmas.
Amen. See you next Tuesday.
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